The Diffrence Between Brothers

I am going to be honest in this entry. I am going to bear my soul here in my lil space here. I have been married to my husband for 20 years next April. Through our 20 years of being married his brother has been a thorn in my side. I love him yes cause he is a part of my husband. To be honest with myself I have to admit here and now that I love to hate this guy truly. He is jellous of Ed and it is so right there in your face that its sicking. I will jot down a little back ground on this brother. He was (see that WAS ) in the union. He just recently has been put on perment lay off and had to turn in his tools. He was there with that union for years and years. He was demoted from a supervisior because he was a jerk all the time and let you know he is better the anyone out there. This brother has been through three marrages in the 20 years that Ed and I have been toghter. He is demeaning to anyone he comes in contact with and at any turn of his choosing he will cut you down. Yes this brother drinks, Yes he is an acholic :( The thing that I despise the most to be quite truthful. I was made to swim in my moms bottle my whole growing up life. I hate achol believe that! This brother made good money and told anyone who would listen that he has so much in the bank and savings and wallet and personal accounts. I am not lieing truly this is o up in your face as I can be. This brother constantly complanes and bitches about everything. He also talks down to you and makes you feel like you dont know anything and he knows all. He has always been jellous of Ed. Ed has been a non drinker for years and years. Ed has been able to maintain his marrage and owns his own house. Ed owns everything that he has and owes on nothing but his house. Ed has a abundance of love to share with anyone who he comes into contact with. Ed isnt rich by any means but he is very rich with love and that is alot more then his brother can say.

Then walk in my husband who is a total oppisate of his brother it is breath taking. The quilties that his brother lack Ed is more cautios of. Ed and I as I said above were rolling up on our 20th year married and were still going strong. We are in love and are best friends. We talk about everything we hang out toghter we work togther and we raise fur babies togther here on the ranch. Ed is wide open loving to anyone one that he comes into contact with. His heart is good and strong my husband helps anyone or any anmail that comes into contact with him. Ed puts a smile on your face for when he is around you bask in the realism (is that a word?) that Ed is so giving. This man is amazing he helps he loves he helps he goes out of his way for his family freinds strangers children anmails his love is boundless. I can say this I know I have been front rwo center watching as my husband has been there for his friends and family. To see him open up his home to countless people and try and help in any way that he could. He has supported people that he took in and never said a word about it nor would he think to. I have watched this brother love with out boundries. I watched him stop drinking to save our marrage 15 years ago and not get drunk since that time. I have watched as he will tell you his feelings in a way that your not able to fight with because it is so very real and raw. I have watched this brother go from having it all (as far as money goes ) to falling off a roof and being put on disabilty 19 years ago. He fell off the roof and broke his leg in a way that it cant be fixed and a ankel that is gravel. He is in pain every day I wish I could take it away from him. He never says a word about it he has no time for it. His work here in life with his heart keeps him busy. My husband isnt rich with money (and I wouldnt want to be ) he is rich in love, he is rich in realism, he is rich beyond what his brother could ever imange to be.

You see his brother wants to be big and rich the king of kings and he sets his life out to be that way. There is a vast difference in being rich with money and being rich with love. Money is made to be spent when you die you dont take it with you and everyone fights for it even if it isnt what is truly important in life. Sure money can buy you trinkets and toys but you get so much more in life with love then you do money.

I am the blessed one here I get the best brother. The brother that would never speak a harsh word to me even in anger. Ed is the brother who is loving kind accepting nuturing and loving who dosnt drink or think that the world owes him. Ed is the brother that I thank God for everyday for such a blessing of love. Ed is the brother that has taught me his love is boundless and the amount of emphthy that my husband has is mind blowing

Why did I write this ? Maybe one day my husband can come here and know by my words that I love him with every fiber of my being and that he is nothing like his brother he isnt a hateful spitful demaeaning drunk that his brother is!

Anthor reason I did this is because I have to be able to vent to get these flustrations about Eds brother with in my brian out. I cant keep them bottled up cause one day I just might say somthing to his brother if I dont I will bust on him when he picks and picks at me. I cant though cause Ed regaurdless of how his brother is he needs his brother in his life.

Im done with this tangent and feel like I am not going to pop brothers head like a big ol pimple now.... My lil space thank you for being what catches my emotions and thoughts for now they are all safly tucked away here.

Racquell

Its Been Awhile

Wow 2 whole years I have been gone from this lil place I created to come to and reflect upon whats going on in my life. What anmails have come or moved to greener pastures and who has had what baby and when. This blog is going to be of a diffrent nature now. This lil conor of mine will document my life on the ranch and all that happens along with it.

Maybe I will fill in some of the blanks that have been left here, if only for my own recall. I cant say that I havnt been using my time wisely. I am in my fouth semester of college and carring a B avarage. Thats huge for me I am learning disabled and it takes everything I have to keep that B. Last semester I made the honor roll ( I was so happy ). I have had some awsome teachers and some teachers that thier teaching style did not help me any at all.

I have been starting to do alot of planting not garden planting (the goats wouldnt allow that ) in the front  yard . Speaking of goats my lil girl Lily had her frist kid yesterday here on the Ranch. My husband and I were not home but Lily kidded just fine with out us ( I like to be here when the mommas kid ) it just makes it better. The babys name is Maryka Freedom Werbe yes it is a big name for such a small lil creature but shell grow into it.

My sister's dog Daisy who is a Shitztoo was bred to a Poodle and Daisy had Shitzapoos and I am the proud owner of one. Her name is Patches. She has not made it to the Ranch yet she still has two more shots to go. Parvo out here in Oz where I live is having a huge out break. I will not risk Patches getting Parvo or getting ill. Deago had Parvo and that was the hardest thing I have ever had to help fight in my life (other then Dianes fight for her life ) Deago is fine it took 12 days of Deago and I being on the floor IV fluids and force feeding but he is a healthy two year old baby.

Well since I will never have anthor puppy nor will I ever be able to have children ever. When I was gifted with Patches, My Mommy drive desire has taken over. A Patches Chariot has been made out of a stroller for my adorable baby. It has been blinged out and it has been recover and modified for my lil princess. Patches has a craddle and I am making matching bedding for it. Patches have been made for her I think we have 3 lol. I am serious Patches crib is personlized and painted. Then last night the idea was to make a Puppy Bag just a diaper bag and modified that for Patches as well. I cant wait to get the pics up of all the stuff that we are making for Patches. There are two people who make a huge imapct on this whole Patches spoiling with me. The laidies and I have been tossing around making a company out of this whole thing.

The Ranch is well on the way to going green. I have the most amazing husband! Here in the next few months we hope to be totally using solor power as well as wind power. My husband is building solor panales in our basement. We are raising chickens on the Ranch for not only the chicken but to share the eggs with family and friends as well as a few select teachers. We have some ducks but they are all boys I need to get some females for the Ranch for Duck Eggs are sooooooo good. I usally do not keep males that arnt altered here on the Ranch. Male goats are disqusting. My husband and I just traded our male goat out for a bottle fed baby that is a dwarf pigmy ...Pippi is such a sweet loving soul thats for sure. Thats with all bottle fed baby anything.

I am going to make it a point to change this journal up and come back alot more. I want to doucment our lifes and living on the Ranch and bringing awarness to all the diffrent causes that are near and dear to my heart. I want to record Patches life and Maryka life and thier adventures. A way of a baby book to a mother per say. I wont ever get to do it any other way then this way. I dont care what people think or say about me for I know that I fell off my rocker long ago. When your only dream in life that you have ever had is to be a mother and there is no mircle way for me to have a child adopt a child or foster a child. That is when you get me I go over board but over board could be a good thing in this case. Overboard might just be a gold mind I just never know ...

I say that maybe these fur babies have brought new hope a new flame burning with in my heart. I cant wait to start going out with Patches in her Chariot or her baskets. I cant wait to publish pics of Patches in her crib and her Puppy Bag as well. I know that people are going to want what Patches has. I know that if it is Gods will this Dream will take off like wild fire.

Now it is time for me to get off this box and go outside and soak up the Ranch life. Our 8 year old neice is here for a few days. I want to soak in her love and love her back just as much as she loves on me. She is so precious just precious and deserves alot more then she is given. It is time to get out there and make Lilys and Merykas pen for them now. Until then lil neglected blog of mine. I so promiss not to be two years before I return.

Kandi Camel & D'eago a& Gizmo

This is my boss your heart by Lorraine Patterson about Princess Chrissie and her heart surgery before she passed and how she was able to boss her heart !!!! If you havnt read the book I am telling you this is the book to read you can learn or order a book at
www.allarepreciousinhissight.blogspot.com I hope you do go and buy a book and I hope our princess brings you closer to god and may all the glory go to god !

here is the sunset out of Kansas that I saw last night ...awosme the gifts god gives my heart to see

This is D'eago Angelo ...he is the newest addition to the Ranch he is 4 months old and I am so in love with him it is not funny

this is Kandi Kamels baby Mircle ...Mircle didnt make it neither did Kandi Kamel I lost Mircle and alil boy and anthor girl this just flippen sucked and I am not over it ! I dont think I ever will be

Im Kissing Mircle see you later on the other side :( it has been a hard few days ) here on the Ranch I have more to tell but I am tired and just wanted to get the pics out

Gizmo is going home with Debi she is going to keep her cause my dogs are mean to her and I cant have that

We Have Saved Anthor Of Gods Anmails

This is my dog Shades ...Ive had him for years ...he isnt to happy with Zena

Zena all dressed and bathed after I got her yesterday

Zena is so sweet and didnt/ dosnt deserve to be put down cause her old owner is a bobble headed monster

This is Zena and we got her off criagslist ..the person we got her from was going to take her to the vet and put her down ...I dont know the story only other then this dog has been negleted and abused starved and screamed at

Zena is 9 years old and she is very skinny (not for long Ill change that and make her into a fat pumkin ) you can see how sickly she looks ...

My hubby and I went and saved this lil doll yesterday ...we have enough amnails but to know that Zena was going to be put to sleep just did Eds and my heart in

When I got Zena yesterday she stunk so bad her breath was nasty and she was all full of dried skin on her coat and her ears are a mess

I gave her a bath then anthor one then I brushed her teeth took her out and got her dressed yes I dress my anmails that let me :)

I then fed her ...oh my I have never seen a anmail go after food like this and goggle it down in neno seconds like Zena did .. I was appaled and sickend by the treatment of this dog ....

Zena is to weigh 7 pounds we are lucky to hit 5 pounds right now (soon it wont be a problem ) I have to work on her ears and her coat as well as get the nutrition and fat on her ..Im telling you my hubby saved this dogs life ..now we are supposed to be fostering her well and then finding a good home for her ...I cant get rid of her now at all ..I havnt had her 24 hours yet and this Gizmo (my name for her ) has stolen my heart and my feelings I can not take care of her and not fall in love I can not sleep with her and expect her to be gone one day it kills me to even think of that truly ..

(Gizmo =Zena ) gets along with my other anmails (unless she is eating ) and they get along with her ..so I dont have a problem there ..the cats arnt to sure of her yet but they will get use to her you know ? so I see no reason to get rid of her ...I will let Hubby think he has a Foster Dog for awhile Ill let him fall in love with Gizmo the way that I am and then cry and tell him we cant get rid of her ....it will work ..it has too ..I went and got Gizmo a bed and some cloths and shampoo and all I used christmas money but Gizmo needed these things so I consider it money well spent ..

I will keep this page updated with Gizmo= Zena as the time goes on ..think good thoughts and think hubby needs to fall in love with her so I can keep her

Just a thought what if God is tugging me in a diffrent direction then what I think I need to go ???

Tootie

Well Tottie did'nt fair well with her frist pragancy ..she had 2 baby's that wernt fully devolped and they were born sleeping ..it started Friday afternoon (late afternoon ) Tottie was bellowing and hollering and hunching in the goat fashion to be bringing some baby goats on to the Ranch ..I spent most my time with her Friday (till it got to cold for me ) just before I was going to call it a night and go in Tottie delivered her frist sleeping baby (so heart breaking ) she was freaking out ..My husband had to grab the baby and help her deliver it (usally I do all this but being in a 1/2 air cast boot I couldnt get in the birthing center we have set up )
After Tootie had that baby she was worn out but still contracting ..I ran to the house got a old blanket went to the barn got some sweet grain and some whole corn (Totties favorite ) got her some freash cold water ...I set it all up sat with Tottie for alil while and came in ..she so needed to calm down and rest ..Ed and I checked on her before we went to bed ..turned on the heat lamp (just in case she had the other baby in the night )
Ed and I got up and were outside e Tottie in the birthing center when we noticed that she had delivered anthor baby ..this one was smaller and was not devolped ..Oh she was SCREAMING HEART WRENCHING cries looking for those sweet babies ..Oh I cried I heard her heart break I heard the where are my babies cry ..Ed and I decided that she needed to come out of the birthing center ! We let her out she has been all over the yard looking for her babies ..I know this is the way that nature takes its corse and I have been riduclued for caring about these baby goats born sleeping ..I was asked why am I so upset over losing 2 baby goats ..well it is as simple as can be ! Ed and I dont have children (my fault ) and our fur babies are our kids ..with every up and down we have we document it all feel it and go through it with our fur babies just cause they are not kids to them dosnt mean they are not kids to us ..everyone lives loves and thinks diffrent then the next person and that is why the world goes around the way that it dose (my dad always told me everyone has the same tools we just have diffrent tools ) I think that is accurate! Just cause I think that the statement is true dosent I have to want to use the other persons tools you know ?
So Tootie lost the babies it is hard for her as well as us ..for I am going to use my anmails to bring awarness to diffrent causes ..then when I get my BA in 3 1/2 years I will use my anmails as a tool to reach children that are abused have mental disorders or just children that need alil love ..I have grand plans I have a whole world out there that needs alil loving touch you know ? so to lose these babies is a big loss to me ..no one understands my heart my drive ..they cant grasp that this is more then it looks ll of this is done for the betterment of me and others that my anmails will touch in the years to come. It is so hard to explane my heart my drives my wants my needs as well as Lil Totties or my other anmails ..
So today we love on Tootie and keep things going here on the Ranch for the future and my dreams

Catching Up With You

Well well well it has been quite awhile since I have been here to blog land ..I think I kinda shut down for a lil while ..there has been alot that has happened since I last blogged anywhere . Sure I keep up with all my blogs I follow and send happy mail out but that is about it !

I have yet again lost a client to cancer :( T is in the nursing home getting ready to do treatment ( there dosnt seem to be much hope ) I have fallen and really did a number on my ankel it has been 3 months and it is still swollen and hurting real bad ! I dont know if I am going to have to have surgery or not (I will come and let you know ) as of right now I am in a 1/2 boot cast for 6 weeks with a EMG on the 23 to see if there is nerve damage or not ....

Ed (My wonderful hubby ) and I have not went any further with adoption ..it is still talked about (ALOT) but right now it isnt feesable for us ...(its gods time )

Ed has been accepted into College ! Im so proud of him this is HUGE ..he is going for computers and I am waiting on my w-2 to take to college and get my classes ..so I can start my journey to going to school to be a councler :) hopfully it will come in this week :)

Here on the ranch all my girl goats are getting ready to have babies ..Kandy Kamel (her pic is down the line of post ..Chiva being my smallest goat (who is TINY TINY ) and Tootie Mea is alos about to pop (Tootie is Kandis frist baby ) I am over the moon with the goats ...

We lost Lucy our one eyed duck we dont know if she flew off or if a wild anmail got her :( I have been having this one dream over and over again that Lucy flies home to us and all is grand I hope and prey that she is ok ...she is a percious gift of Eds and mine and we can hardly stand her being gone away from us ..but she was also wild (shes a mallard ) and if gods plan is to have her free then that is the way that it is ...even though we miss her lots we both believe that our girl is flying high in gods skys

We also lost Duddy his eye got worse and worse and infection traveled to his brain :( there was nothing that we were able to do the vets dont really care for domisic ducks they rather put them down break your heart and tell you to get anthor ..Ed and I gave Duddy our all but God desided that he needed him in heaven more then we needed him here ...so he went to heaven ..to our heart breaking suprize

We did go get anthor duck .....Dobbie then we resuced a duck from some kids that were running around holding the ducks neck ..her name is Baby ..Dobbie and Baby hooked up toghter and are best friends and hang out in the duck pen together

I have had probelms with my husband family disrepecting me badly very badly but Eds sister sat and wrote Ed a letter so I wrote her back (Ed is in no way close to his family at all ) I told her of all of the happenings on the ranch and what Ed has been doing ..that got me to thinking HARD..if Eds sister sat down to write Ed a letter and tell him what was going on then it was up to me to stand up and do a reply letter to her ..in turn got me thinking about Eds brother and the way that I have let Ed stay away from his brother for my selfish perpouse and gain ..Now Eds brother has said horrable things to me just horrable and I let it keep Ed from his brother . Regaurdless of anything Ed has a brother and Ed chose me there is nothing that either I or the brother could change so I have been pushing Ed I even went to his brothers house ..this is uncharted waters that have burned me before I am not going to just jump into it ..I will not tell him I love him or anything I will support the realtionship of the brothers nothing more ...I do not want to be told I am not a woman nor family I gave no children again I wont set myself up to fail nor will I allow anything to enter my heart on brothers or wifes side ..I mean it was 2 1/2 years that we didnt inner act with them ..I was content but it is not about me it is about realtionships beyond anything ..life is to short to walk around with the grudge in the heart to be happy that a family is broken is wrong so wrong not to step up to fix it would be PATHIC (even when there is so much disrespect that it reeks ) I ask for nothing other then for Ed to be involved in his familys life to soak up thier love and interact ..with the potental to burn I am scared but I must press on push Ed to be in thier lives ....

Couple of months back I went to Vi to travel with a deer friend ...it was a wonderful drive the beatuy from here to Vi is AMAZING (gods gift ) I was so frazzeled to enjoy it fully and I missed out ..it is hard to put all this out for you all to read ...but maybe some one out there is having the same things go on or maybe not may they need to read the trails to see that there lives my be wonky but the next person is muddling through stuff too ...

To tell you what keeps me sane ??? well since I stopped all head meds and deal with Bi Polar head on and my anixty head on ..I have my girl friends come over and we do crafts to send across the miles to our adoption friends our cancer warriors we so lovely support to out CF friends to our blind friends to our MS friends we send every last thing we do to any of them plus our FB pals ...when I am doing for others I feel so full so fufilled .. when us ladies know that our crafts go across the miles and bring smiles it makes everything so worth it ..bonus I get to spend time with ladies that are near and dear to my heart and share the love with them ..it is better then any pill or any doctor out there ..in life there comes a time where you have to grab life by nose and face it head on

Thoughts That Im Pondering

Wow I have made it here again !
I am going to get better at blogging and getting my feelings out ..after all this is my safe haven ! No one knows about this blog (For a reason )
Things have been crazy here on the Ranch (I love living on the ranch ) with the anmials with our friends and with just life . It seems that there are not enough hours in the day to get everything done that needs doing
I have fallen a couple of times and I am in a moon boot with PT getting ready for SURGERY of my ankel ! Believe it or not I am looking forward to this up coming surgery ! I am sick of falling and always hurting myself cause my ankels (yes thats both of them ) roll all the time, so if surgery can stop it then I am game (plus for the pain to stop for real ) The above Pic is of my ankel and how it sits w/o a brace or moon boot ! Its pretty gross looking dont you think ?
Then I had a duck that was attacked by a coon ! Fuddy Duddy Da Buddy Duck ! His eye and mouth were affected in this attack by the coon ! My hubby and I found Duddy the next morning I called all sorts of vets and was told that they dont take care of PEKIN DUCKS and if they did it would be hundreds of dollars so I just might as well put Duddy down (I was told Duddy is a dime a dozen ) I think not and I wouldnt accept that at all. I got smart I called a wild anmail reabilation place talked to a vet (a good one with a heart ) she told me what to do ! So Duddys treatment began !Antibotics (Force fed ) Baby food . sevral times a day ! Baths showers poping of the infected area ! Guess what it worked Duddy was getting better ! It was 2 weeks and Duddy started to go sdown hill he couldnt see he became depressed and he gave up ! His other eye got infected and there was nothing we could do. After bringing him in and kenneling him doing his care and everything I lost Duddy (heart breaking )

I became very depressed I had put everything I had in getting Duddy better and I couldnt stop the process of what was going on with Duddy ! I began to mope around I wouldnt take phone calls I wouldnt even go shopping ( I felt that I failed my duck and there was nothing I could do to shake the feeling of failing ) My wonderful husabnd picked up on how very sad I was and moved into action to make me feel betterYou see my husband knows I have to be taking care of somthing or someone to feel complete so he got on the computer and started looking around for baby ducks .He found this place 100 miles away and took me on a date (I didnt know he was taking me to go get a duck I went but wasnt in it . Hubby just went along with it until we reached the farm ! Once there he told me Ok Pita it is time to cheer you up .were here so that you can pick your own baby duck ! I was so excited not only about the duck but cause my husband knows me and was trying to make the hurt not so bad ! He wasnt replacing Duddy (He couldnt ) he was giving me and my heart anthor baby to take care of :) So we looked at just hatched ducks (I didnt want one they were to small ) then we looked at 1 week olds (they were to small still ) we went to 2 and 3 week olds too .Then I saw my duck running around acting a mess doing things the others were not ! ( I have to have uniqe anmails ) I watched him and watched him .As I watched him I felt that ever present tugging of my heart :) I know that this lil stinker running around and chearping not honking was mine God gave me that sign ! We paid for the duck 5 bucks and left ! I refused to have a box I held DOOBIE all the way home ! I kenneled him in the house (Just so he would become fimuliar with me and hubby ) then Hubby and I made a tempory cage outside for during the day (until DOOBIE feathers out ) Here is a pic of Doobie

Doobie was got not only for me but for our 1 eyed house duck Lucy ! ( you have to understand we let Lucy go during the day in the back yard but she is kenneled in the house at night ) Lucy is a riot she is hubbys duck ! Lucy has her own story and is UNIQUE in her own way ! When we got Lucy we didnt know what sex she was until she started laying eggs ! Once we found out that she was really a girl then we wanted to get a boy friend for her (step up Doobie ) they are both the same type of duck so next year we are hoping maybe to get lil Lucy and Lil Doobies next year ! Ill keep up with the blog with Doobies growing and when the two of them become friends
I will show you a pic of Hubbys duck LucyLast time I blogged I talked of a friend that was in ICU ! It was found out that this friend had a stroke and bleeding anurisum and he was rushed into BRAIN surgery ! I am pleased to report that the friend is home ! He has alot of recovering to do but he is truly a MIRCLE ! His children are taking care of him ! Life goes on and on and that I am thankful for ! I couldnt imange his children losing him (they lost thier Mom to cancer ) I prayed harder then I ever have on the childrens behalf ! A blessing that our friend made it through this ! A Mircle that has been given to us through our friend ! I am telling you Mircles happen every day !

Thats about it right now I have to get ready to go to work and get my day started I also need to take some pics of DOOBIE cause he is starting to get feathers now ..On his lil butt and I want to record everything about him and his growing

Ed and I are still talking adopting ! We are not sure where we are going to turn or how were going to do it (Money Wise ) ! If it is ment to be I do belive that God will show us the way ! All Ed and I know is that we want to give a child our love ! Hubby and I are really leaning towards a down syndrome baby ! We will stay in prayer and follow our gods lead ! If it happens it dose if not then that isnt the plan that God has in store for us !

Ok now I am really leaving ! I hope your day is full of sunshine and BELLY LAUGHS !
Hugz