Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Catch Up Time

Here I am again 

Life has a way of smacking you in the chops and bring you to your knees sometimes. Since I've last been here to blog we have indeed found out that my husband dose have lung cancer. The dx has changed our life forsure.

Since I have last blogged Ed has recived 35 radation treatments and 5 chemos husband is responding well to treatment his tumor has shrank 80% the size it started out being ( god is good ) ..if there is anyone that would like to keep up ( or if anyone is here ) you can at Eds In It To Win It - Team Werbe on FB. 

This whole cancer thing is such a hard thing to deal with not only for my husband but for me as well. I am Eds advocate I am the one who cares for Ed medically and I am the one who keeps the doctors abreast of all that's going on with Ed, as well as I get front center seat of watching what cancer dose and takes away from my husband ( not a fun thing ) 

But cancer has also brought some amazing beautiful things into our life's as well. Our family's have bound togther to help Ed fight his battle. Eds family is tighting up ! It is amazing ! My family my sister that I havnt talked to in years is talking to me and we are working on our realtionship ( I'm thrilled ) my Dad ( my rock and hero ) has been there in so many ways from late night phone calls to helping with our bills ( Ed can't work, I go to school but on summer break) but still have to be here to take care of Ed get him to the doctors and such.

On the other hand cancer has given us a bunch of strife as well. Ed ended up in the hospital with a horrid infection in his lungs that almost killed him :( . He is also having a hard time coming back from the radation. He is tired and can't easy without pain. I hate cancer I loath cancer. I wish we could just find a cure for all ailments. 

Ed and I have been looking into medical cannabus oil..we are having a hard go of finding it here in Oz. It is illegal to have it. This proves frustrating for Ed and I the medical cannabus oil can help Ed heal and cure him ...but it's illegal here in Kansas :( ..all eds doctors are on board and approve the use of it but can not perscribe it to Ed due to laws ...I've had a couple of people approach me with The oil to buy but it is pricey very pricey. 

For a 90 day supply it is 1800 dollars ...with Ed not working and on a set income and me going to school this is not feasible for us. There are people who claim that they have the oil and can send discreetly to me but I'm scared it's a undercover cop waiting to pounce on me and take me to jail or it is a scam and I could lose the money 

Things are hard we are barly making it. We are living on disconnect notices. We've had to have a person move in with us just to help us get caught up ( we are behind in all our bills ). Ed and I hate living with people it's just hard very hard. We are doing everything we can do to make it through. We both know that were not the only ones in this boat. It dosnt make it easier ! 

I will be returning back to school for the fall semester. I had to drop 3 classes this spring due to finding out Ed having cancer and him being so very ill. I'm scared to go to school but I have to trust in god and know that Eds going to be healed. I have to believe this with my whole heart and soul ( most times I can but sometimes I can't ). With me going to school it will bring in some much needed money to help catch us up. 

I'm also needing to get a drive going for Ed. Yes I must be able to help bring some money into get the medical cannabus oil to cure my husband of this cancer. It is non operapatal, the tumor can not be removed so we have to kill it and cure Ed. There is no inbetween at all. Where shooting for a cure, we want NED ( no evidance of disease)'s so hard though asking for help, knowing that I can't do this on my own :( ...I need help, Ed needs help millions of others need help ! We're not the only ones but it sure seems that way.

I am done writing for now but I will keep this lil corner going from here on out. I need the outlet, I need the breath. Even if no one reads this, at least I have a place to blow ya know? So I will be back ...that's a promiss! 

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Ed just can't have cancer

Well it's been a long time since I've wrote on this lil blog of mine . This is the place I come and hide at let my emotions go for very few have access to this lil blog of mine.. I would of never thought that I would be coming here to say I'm scared, no I'm terrified and it's not for me it's for my husband Ed. It all started about three weeks ago Ed came down really sick and just wouldn't get better. I fought with him for weeks to go to the doctor , of course he fought me until the begining of this week. I finally got Ed into the doctors to find out his lungs sounded junky ( as the doctor said ) so he called for X-rays ...that night the doctor called himself and said Ed needed a cat scan right now so Ed went for the Cat scan ...they won't give us any results ..this is strange for Eds doctor always gives us results over the phone. The last we heard Ed had neoplasm spots on his lungs.

Everyone is telling me to be strong , everyone is telling me I'm jumping to conclusions but let me tell you I've been in the medical world most my life . I've been a personal care aide for 20 some years , I've worked with all sorts of doctors and I know how they drop the c word. I have taken care of people with cancer , I have been there for my soul sisters last breath on this earth. I have watched the ha ok that cancer had had on the person who has it and their loved ones. I have watched cancer rip family and friends apart .

My mind is going a million miles a minute , my heart is sitting in the pit of my stomic ...I have a horrible feeling deep inside. I am in disbelief . Ed have cancer ....oh how I hope pray and beg God to not let it be so . Ed is the most loving giving kind non judgemental person I know. How could this be so ?

If Ed dose have cancer he wants to fight it. He dosnt wan to leave me ? What oh what have I done to be lived so much by my wonderful husband ? I love this man with my whole heart and soul , he is my everything. Why couldn't this be me ?

Oh god in heaven hear our crys and prayers ! Put a hedge of protection around Ed and give his doctors the knowledge to help Ed heal in your precious name amen !