Wednesday, October 10, 2012

My Heart Print Hottie Has Taken Flight

I am just jumping on my page to post that my Bestest Friend Heart Print Brother that is connected by our heart strings passed away last night

Hottie I want you to know I am raw in emtions right now I dont know how to deal with your death and the cancer :( I am lost and I dont know how to help your family. I am so worried about your Mom Momma Nine I am worried about my Turtle. This came so unexpected. I am sorry I didnt get to fullfill the promiss of seeing you before you passed. That will forever be of my greatest regreats. I hope you know how much you mean to me, I hope you know what a diffrence you made in my life and how you enriched it

When I am on a even keel I will write more ...until then know I love you mostest and truly miss you more !!!!

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Thoughts For My Choosen Father !

Well alot has happened in the last month or so. I have started my freasmen year of college and as I told you earlier my Mother has admmited that she is addicted to drugs. That in itself is huge not only to me but to the rest of my family as well. It has been over 30 years that Ive got to talk with my mother. Oh sure I have talked to her through the times but I was talking to the high as a kite not knowing if she was coming or going Mom. Dont get me wrong I always well not always talked to my mother but it wasnt her she was in a drug indused haze. She was anthor person.

I have been very honest with my Mom. I give her everything that is bottled up inside of me ( alot of witch is understanding and love) but I also give her the truth of whats inside of me. My mother has always treated me badly (not so much now for she has realized what a horrable person she revield to me ) so now I am totally honest with her. I am not rude ( I have learned that you get what you give) sometimes tears come sometimes anger comes and somtimes I just cant deal with it and I have to let my mom go. Her addiction has cost our family alot. We have been seprated and anomisty has been pushed between members all my growing up life.

I have two dads ...My mom devoriced my real father who wasnt found until I was in my early twentys. Then I have my adopted dad that by the grace of god my mother married ( due to me picking Dad out). This dad has been through the ringer believe that but the most important part is that Dad satyed with-in the family and held us kids toghter as his life and marrage to my mother was cumbuling apart. It is this Dad that has supported all us kids. When were in trouble need some advice or help on homework he is there and has been there. I dont think with out my Dads strenth and love of his children us kids would of gotten as far as we have in our lifes. Dad could of packed his bags and ran far far away from the drugs and unruly children but he didnt he planted his feet firmer in the ground and stuck by our sides if we wanted him there or not. He took alot of abuse and anger that was directed at my mother.

In my early twentys I found my real father (this is somthing that I wanted and needed so bad in my life ) My adopted father helped me find my real father (yes you read that right ) he always told me that he knew that my Dad loved me no matter what. He kept my hopes up of finding my Dad. It happened and it was a smack to my Dads face. For when I found my real dad I went alil haywire. I turned into his girl and not the man who raised me and help me find my father. I didnt have time for the man that gave up his life to save his childrens life. Sicking I know , I am so sorry I ever did that to the man who wouldnt turn on heel and run as far away as he could from the miserabale hell that my mother created.

At one point I was such a bitch to my Dad. He never deserved it but I was angry that he was there and raised me and my real Dad wasnt and to be honest I was blinded by the money and mis truths of my real Dad ( I dont hold it against Daddy Don at all he wanted to give me all that he could but he didnt know me know me and he hurt me in the process. Oh I love both my fathers deeply. Daddy Don (my real father ) and Daddy N ( My choosen Daddy). Daddy N raised me and taught me morals and vaules and guided me through my life as best he could ( I was a child with alot of problems emotionaly growing up.) I did things that I am not proud of that embaressed my Dad in alot of areas for he was a teacher then a princable of a school. He never gave up on me though he always told me he loved me cause I never heard it from my mother. He would talk about Daddy Don with me and hold me to ease my fears. Then when I found my real father my choosen was a distance memory for me. I think I got the idea that I couldnt love both dads at the same time. My choosen dad again choose to let me explore my new realtionship with my real dad and still stayed in the radar if I needed or wanted him or not. He waited paitently for me to come back to him ( and I did ) for through finding my real Dad I learned that my choosen dad was even that more special then I ever thought

My real dad was thankful for what my choosen father had accomplished with his children. He never downed my choosen dad. It was amazing ! I learned through my real father that my choosen was the best that god had ever given me and my siblings. My real father passed due to cancer ( I HATE CANCER WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING!) Sadly I say it is when I reliazed that I had a Father my whole life. He took so much abuse by all of us and this man remained ( was he crazy ) Hell no he is in all sence of the word a father a dad a confadent someone that we could all count on. Hell who am I trying to fool he was our rock and remains our rock to this day. When any of his children need him we run to him. He is standing there tall and strong willing to help us in any area of our life and with our concerns. To this day I call my dad up and get homework help. Yes he lives in California and I live in Oz ( Kansas ) and I get his help. I am 42 years old and when the world gets ulgy and I dont understand and need help I run to my Dad and ask for his advice ( and yes sometimes money Ill be real ).

How I got on a tangent about my choosen dad I dont know. Maybe it is because with out him us children wouldnt of had a fighting chance in hell. Maybe it is because I realize that my choosen is the one who held us all toghter even when his life was falling apart. Maybe it is because that even with the horrid things my mother did to us he never degraded or talked shit about my mother he was worried about her. Maybe it is cause he showed me true love and devotion when I turned my back on him. Maybe it is cause he was the ship that lead us children to saftey from my mothers drug abuse. Maybe it is cause he has never waviered in my life I was the one who did. Maybe it is cause he taught me just enough to go out on my own and be married for 20 years. Maybe it is his strong devotion to his family. I dont know but what I do know is to this day my choosen is here for his children blood or not makes him no mind. I do know if it wasnt for him none of us encluduing my mother would be where we are today. No he hasnt been with my mother in 20 some years but that man loves her through his children. That speaks multiudes to my heart. He has helped my mother through the years even after my mother was a sorce of great pain. He holds on because she is a part of us. My mother hurt my choosen badly and almost ruined him but in return we all got the gift of a father who dosnt run who stays and fights with everything he has for all of his children and yes our mother too.

If I were to ever have a child and not all these anmails I would ask that god bless me with all the amazing quilties that my choosen father has. We do have a mini choosen in our family and that is my brother Bubs. I think what I am trying to convey here is that even though my mother was hell on wheels and drug addicted he held the family toghter and my friends that is alot. To this day my choosen deals with drama. One of his children is not in his life and ripped away his grand children. Is my choosen hateful? Hell no he is tollernt and understanding and loving. He writes this child still sends the grand children gifts and cards through the mail all while waiting for his lost lamb to realize that he never left even after being pushed away. My hope is that this sibling gets stright and stops hurting my dad and gives those grand babies thier grand father back. This sibling can be angry at my dad cause he didnt choose any one of us kids or block any of us out with a ultamatin that was thrown at him. To punish and rip the grand children away from him is unaccapable on any level. To bad this family has using thier children to tip the scale to thier side down pact. To bad my choosen is the one that has delt with it my whole life. But yet he stayes strong he showes all of us that his love is boundless.

I was going to write about my mother and her drug addiction and I did I just brought in the most important part of it and that is the man behind the disfunctional family that some how held it all toghter and brought his children up with morals and vaules regaurdless of what life threw his way. He is remarkable and everything to not only me but most my siblings as well.

So to my choosen Dad I love you I adore you and if it wasnt for you my life would of been a waste. You saved me you saved my siblings and you tread on when no one else will. I thank you from the bottom of my heart truly and I am who I am because of your love and devotion .... Thank You for never giving up on me ....Thank You for never walking away ...but most of all Thank You for loving me .....

Your Daughter !!!

Thursday, August 2, 2012


I am here today to doucment that my mother has addmited that she is addicted to legal drugs ( pills) she just got out of the hospital. This is the frist time my mother has ever admited that she is addicted to pills let alone accept the responabilty of her drug abuse. My mother has said sorry for the way that she has treated me my whole life. I have waited my whole growing up life for my mother to admit what she is doing and take responabilty for what she has done.
I am proud of my mother on so meany levels and I believe that she will beat this addiction. My mother is a strong person, stronger then she realizes. I support her and forgave her long ago. I couldnt  live with hate in my heart it was eating me up.
I just wanted to doucment this HUGE Uplifting news with my blog. When I get a moment and process this I will be back
I love you my lil space on the net !!!

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

When Is It Enough ???

I am coming here today to lay my heart out in my lil space of the internet. I dont care if anyone reads what I write or if it is even seen.

This weekend I got word that my mother is in the hospital again. My Mom has had the addiction monkey on her back from as far back as I can rember. I had to come to the conclusion that it is my moms fault she set herself up for a addiction but it is not her fault that she is addicted. Ya it is a double edged knife. This is one part that I happen to despise of my mothers personalty.

My Mothers drug use has crushed our family broke it up and devided it in so meany ways it is not funny. I have always took the brunt end and ca-ca end of the stick with my family. I am the black sheep the problem child the one no one wants to deal with and have been since the day I was born I suppose. It use to eat at me and I would act out and do things for some one to pay attition to me. I was horrable when I was a teenager and did some things I am not proud of. I usto not talk to my Mom until I found my real dad (my mother chased him away ). I think on the frist day I met my Dad I told him that I hated my Mom and she was a bitch. My father the one who was chased away and had to wait 20 some odd years until he was found stopped his car and looked at me horrified and told me that if he ever heard of me disrespecting my mother like that again he would knock my teeth out. He said that he dosnt care of the abuse I suffered at her hands she was the only mother I would ever have and he was and is right. My father passed on five years on the 31 of this month and I trusure his lessons taught.

So my Moms in the hospital and she is blocking any of the family getting any information on what caused her to be put in the hospital in the frist place. I called to talk to her yesterday and she was the meaniest she has been to me in a while. She told me out of her own mouth she dosnt want to talk to us kids and she had told all the staff that they are not to be talking to us at all. I am angry for I know she fucken overdosed again (this is like the 22 time in two and half years). I am sick of it I am done stick a fork in me ! My brother has threatened not to let my mother have anything to do with her and other family members have made threats and my mother constantly over doses and pops them pills. What is our family to do ? How do we go on knowing that our mother is going to kill herself with the popping of the pills. If a docter dont give her what she wants she docter hops and goes to diffrent drug stores to obtain the pills.

I wish there was a system put in place that could montior her drug and docter activitys that she dose that way she couldnt get the pills on medicare. For my mother is addicted to LEGALE DRUGS, and the state and peoples taxes pay for it. How I wish I could talk to my mothers docters and let them have it. She was trasported to the hospital and she was cohearent but out of it. The docters are wasting precious time and money on looking for what is wrong with my mother for she is classic she denighs that she is a drug abuser. They have pain meds for my mom but she over medicates herself and the meds the hospital gives her is nothing near what her body craves.

Her addiction has bogged the family down and put us all at odds so meany times. I think my mom likes the drama of the family bickering and fighting. I moved from the family area long ago I was going crazy and couldnt even keep myself sane after the way I was treated. I guess thats why I am so upset my Mom sits in that hospital with drawling and in pain and anyone of her kids are trying to help and she is viciously pushing us away and just being a mean person.

I can not keep going through the up and down of her drug addictions. I can not give her the power to upset me. Long ago I gave my husband my word that I would not let anyone in my family upset me. I inteend to keep my promiss. My family is scared that I am going to call my mother and fight with her suchm.... they clearly dont know me. How could they I havnt let them get to know me. I have grown out here in Oz and I have matured more then they ever could imange.

Thats what makes this whole shitty thing stink is they (my family ) thinks they know me and they dont have any idea of who I have grown and become. Oh they may know the old ruthless one who cared about no one cause no one cared about me. They dont know the driven loving caring person i am today (only what i show them or tell them) so for them to call and reenerate that my Mom dosnt want to talk to me sets my blood a boil they live in her hell I dont. She wants to be nasty and hateful well do it to the rest for I have far better things to do then be drug down by her.

Who gives my mother the right to ruin my childhood and destroy realtionships by making her family live through her with her addiction? Am I angry? HELL YES I AM LIVID!!! No matter where I go or what I do I cant get away from her demand or addiction. How fair is that ? Not very I tell you. I dont talk about my family to much for they are a sorce of deep pain for me in so meany areas of my life.

So my qustion is when is enough enough ? When will I excape my mothers addictions ?

Dont think I hate my mother for I dont I love her deeply she just isnt able to love me back the way that she should. Ive known this my whole life. My mom told me over and over how she hated me through my growing up years. I truly dont ever expect her to change for me or anyone else for that matter, I accept her for who and what she is and represents. She is my only mother I have learned that I can love her no matter if she loves me or not. Im not giving up either for one day I pray God heals her of her addiction either here on earth or in heaven. I love her with everything I have in me and I pray to God to put a hedge of prtection around her to keep her safe. I cant do anymore or any less.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

The Diffrence Between Brothers

I am going to be honest in this entry. I am going to bear my soul here in my lil space here. I have been married to my husband for 20 years next April. Through our 20 years of being married his brother has been a thorn in my side. I love him yes cause he is a part of my husband. To be honest with myself I have to admit here and now that I love to hate this guy truly. He is jellous of Ed and it is so right there in your face that its sicking. I will jot down a little back ground on this brother. He was (see that WAS ) in the union. He just recently has been put on perment lay off and had to turn in his tools. He was there with that union for years and years. He was demoted from a supervisior because he was a jerk all the time and let you know he is better the anyone out there. This brother has been through three marrages in the 20 years that Ed and I have been toghter. He is demeaning to anyone he comes in contact with and at any turn of his choosing he will cut you down. Yes this brother drinks, Yes he is an acholic :( The thing that I despise the most to be quite truthful. I was made to swim in my moms bottle my whole growing up life. I hate achol believe that! This brother made good money and told anyone who would listen that he has so much in the bank and savings and wallet and personal accounts. I am not lieing truly this is o up in your face as I can be. This brother constantly complanes and bitches about everything. He also talks down to you and makes you feel like you dont know anything and he knows all. He has always been jellous of Ed. Ed has been a non drinker for years and years. Ed has been able to maintain his marrage and owns his own house. Ed owns everything that he has and owes on nothing but his house. Ed has a abundance of love to share with anyone who he comes into contact with. Ed isnt rich by any means but he is very rich with love and that is alot more then his brother can say.

Then walk in my husband who is a total oppisate of his brother it is breath taking. The quilties that his brother lack Ed is more cautios of. Ed and I as I said above were rolling up on our 20th year married and were still going strong. We are in love and are best friends. We talk about everything we hang out toghter we work togther and we raise fur babies togther here on the ranch. Ed is wide open loving to anyone one that he comes into contact with. His heart is good and strong my husband helps anyone or any anmail that comes into contact with him. Ed puts a smile on your face for when he is around you bask in the realism (is that a word?) that Ed is so giving. This man is amazing he helps he loves he helps he goes out of his way for his family freinds strangers children anmails his love is boundless. I can say this I know I have been front rwo center watching as my husband has been there for his friends and family. To see him open up his home to countless people and try and help in any way that he could. He has supported people that he took in and never said a word about it nor would he think to. I have watched this brother love with out boundries. I watched him stop drinking to save our marrage 15 years ago and not get drunk since that time. I have watched as he will tell you his feelings in a way that your not able to fight with because it is so very real and raw. I have watched this brother go from having it all (as far as money goes ) to falling off a roof and being put on disabilty 19 years ago. He fell off the roof and broke his leg in a way that it cant be fixed and a ankel that is gravel. He is in pain every day I wish I could take it away from him. He never says a word about it he has no time for it. His work here in life with his heart keeps him busy. My husband isnt rich with money (and I wouldnt want to be ) he is rich in love, he is rich in realism, he is rich beyond what his brother could ever imange to be.

You see his brother wants to be big and rich the king of kings and he sets his life out to be that way. There is a vast difference in being rich with money and being rich with love. Money is made to be spent when you die you dont take it with you and everyone fights for it even if it isnt what is truly important in life. Sure money can buy you trinkets and toys but you get so much more in life with love then you do money.

I am the blessed one here I get the best brother. The brother that would never speak a harsh word to me even in anger. Ed is the brother who is loving kind accepting nuturing and loving who dosnt drink or think that the world owes him. Ed is the brother that I thank God for everyday for such a blessing of love. Ed is the brother that has taught me his love is boundless and the amount of emphthy that my husband has is mind blowing

Why did I write this ? Maybe one day my husband can come here and know by my words that I love him with every fiber of my being and that he is nothing like his brother he isnt a hateful spitful demaeaning drunk that his brother is!

Anthor reason I did this is because I have to be able to vent to get these flustrations about Eds brother with in my brian out. I cant keep them bottled up cause one day I just might say somthing to his brother if I dont I will bust on him when he picks and picks at me. I cant though cause Ed regaurdless of how his brother is he needs his brother in his life.

Im done with this tangent and feel like I am not going to pop brothers head like a big ol pimple now.... My lil space thank you for being what catches my emotions and thoughts for now they are all safly tucked away here.


Sunday, June 3, 2012

Its Been Awhile

Wow 2 whole years I have been gone from this lil place I created to come to and reflect upon whats going on in my life. What anmails have come or moved to greener pastures and who has had what baby and when. This blog is going to be of a diffrent nature now. This lil conor of mine will document my life on the ranch and all that happens along with it.

Maybe I will fill in some of the blanks that have been left here, if only for my own recall. I cant say that I havnt been using my time wisely. I am in my fouth semester of college and carring a B avarage. Thats huge for me I am learning disabled and it takes everything I have to keep that B. Last semester I made the honor roll ( I was so happy ). I have had some awsome teachers and some teachers that thier teaching style did not help me any at all.

I have been starting to do alot of planting not garden planting (the goats wouldnt allow that ) in the front  yard . Speaking of goats my lil girl Lily had her frist kid yesterday here on the Ranch. My husband and I were not home but Lily kidded just fine with out us ( I like to be here when the mommas kid ) it just makes it better. The babys name is Maryka Freedom Werbe yes it is a big name for such a small lil creature but shell grow into it.

My sister's dog Daisy who is a Shitztoo was bred to a Poodle and Daisy had Shitzapoos and I am the proud owner of one. Her name is Patches. She has not made it to the Ranch yet she still has two more shots to go. Parvo out here in Oz where I live is having a huge out break. I will not risk Patches getting Parvo or getting ill. Deago had Parvo and that was the hardest thing I have ever had to help fight in my life (other then Dianes fight for her life ) Deago is fine it took 12 days of Deago and I being on the floor IV fluids and force feeding but he is a healthy two year old baby.

Well since I will never have anthor puppy nor will I ever be able to have children ever. When I was gifted with Patches, My Mommy drive desire has taken over. A Patches Chariot has been made out of a stroller for my adorable baby. It has been blinged out and it has been recover and modified for my lil princess. Patches has a craddle and I am making matching bedding for it. Patches have been made for her I think we have 3 lol. I am serious Patches crib is personlized and painted. Then last night the idea was to make a Puppy Bag just a diaper bag and modified that for Patches as well. I cant wait to get the pics up of all the stuff that we are making for Patches. There are two people who make a huge imapct on this whole Patches spoiling with me. The laidies and I have been tossing around making a company out of this whole thing.

The Ranch is well on the way to going green. I have the most amazing husband! Here in the next few months we hope to be totally using solor power as well as wind power. My husband is building solor panales in our basement. We are raising chickens on the Ranch for not only the chicken but to share the eggs with family and friends as well as a few select teachers. We have some ducks but they are all boys I need to get some females for the Ranch for Duck Eggs are sooooooo good. I usally do not keep males that arnt altered here on the Ranch. Male goats are disqusting. My husband and I just traded our male goat out for a bottle fed baby that is a dwarf pigmy ...Pippi is such a sweet loving soul thats for sure. Thats with all bottle fed baby anything.

I am going to make it a point to change this journal up and come back alot more. I want to doucment our lifes and living on the Ranch and bringing awarness to all the diffrent causes that are near and dear to my heart. I want to record Patches life and Maryka life and thier adventures. A way of a baby book to a mother per say. I wont ever get to do it any other way then this way. I dont care what people think or say about me for I know that I fell off my rocker long ago. When your only dream in life that you have ever had is to be a mother and there is no mircle way for me to have a child adopt a child or foster a child. That is when you get me I go over board but over board could be a good thing in this case. Overboard might just be a gold mind I just never know ...

I say that maybe these fur babies have brought new hope a new flame burning with in my heart. I cant wait to start going out with Patches in her Chariot or her baskets. I cant wait to publish pics of Patches in her crib and her Puppy Bag as well. I know that people are going to want what Patches has. I know that if it is Gods will this Dream will take off like wild fire.

Now it is time for me to get off this box and go outside and soak up the Ranch life. Our 8 year old neice is here for a few days. I want to soak in her love and love her back just as much as she loves on me. She is so precious just precious and deserves alot more then she is given. It is time to get out there and make Lilys and Merykas pen for them now. Until then lil neglected blog of mine. I so promiss not to be two years before I return.