Sunday, April 19, 2009

Introducing The Wonderful Loving Candi To You

Since all my last post have been so negtive and thats so not me . I decided to go back to the reasons why I started this sight ...To Bring Awarness To Lots Od Causes ...To Share My Ranch And The Anmials with you you alll ..To be the free loving person that I havnt been able to be (due to stress )
I have finally figured out that I can let the stress and ugliness consume me ...or I can be the persont that you all know me to be I chose to be ME and not let the ulgy nasty drama to consume me any longer
So with no more inturptions I am Introducing our newest member to the Ranch
That my friends is a Nubian goat ...bottle fed at that (no not by me ) and the sweetest lovingest trust giving heart taking Candi ..I mean look at those ears and her eyes how could one not fall in love with her
Candi is who helped me to rember who I am what I am about I mean you all here she is sweet and loving and trusting BOTTLE fed goat just trusting me loving me beliving in me in a matter of minutes I didnt have to act like nothing be nothing keep my mouth shut for nothing ...this lil goat is so so SWEET (Thats why we named her Candi ) and yet we both knew we were the click ..
I have to have the right anmail you know ..we the anmail and I have to meet each other in the middle somewhere for the connection that we will build upon ..I dont have mean anmails I refuse there is no mean here on the Ranch . Candi fit right in ...shes such a doll ..
I can tell you that if she loses sight of me she freaks out ...Bahhiinggg witch is so cute ...her Bahhhuhhh makes me giggle ..hers is defently diffrent from all my other goats ..but her like Skulls are weakings the are cared for by a humans not anamils they are truly special and the best goats I have ever had
We tried to Kennel Candi last night . Nope didnt work (more then you know she freaked out ) so I had to sleep on the couch and have her right there or she would bello like her heart is breaking .
I Would wake up with her on me ...Ohhh I dont wanna hear it she had a area that was prepaired for her to lock her in .but she had to have a phycal touch at all times of me ...I would fall asleep and she move I guess and I would find her on top of me ...yes I did you better belive it she is scared a new place with lots of anmails lol
ED and I are building a fence around dog house out there (Its Huge ) so that I can get her and Skulls out toghter ...have them bond as they grow up you know ...but Ed and I have to be careful we were given a pool .
We already have a coop a goat/pig pen now well have Candis Land ..Hey I kinda like that make the pen all bright and cheery that would wourk for me ....
We also still have to paint the goat house and coop but its been raning I been in a major funk that I almost drowned in
But as I siad before the goats need thier pen built I will take some pics to show you later until then rember there is no one better then you ...we all use the same tool boxes but our tools in life are diffrent ...dont brow beat or hurt epand those arms open up love live learn be suprized how drama dosnt matter when you take the plunge

Friday, April 17, 2009

A Delima With In My Mind

I am really worried about my Mom in the last month she has been in the hospital for drug overdoses ..I dont write this out in the public for my Moms dignity but the longer this crapp goes on the harder it is to understand
I rember growing up and Mom either always being drunk or high on pills or drugs off the street she was never there for any of my school fuctions and always beat me ..(I forgave her for these things long ago ) I had to the hate was eating me up I couldnt funtion at all ..
Then the last year my Mom has been in the hospital 13 or 14 times all in ICU and 6 or 7 times on the vent and life support ..One time I went rushing home and knew this was it with Mom but she pulled through it even though her heart is workin at 49% and she is in stage 1 liver fauiler
My husband and I have tried to get my Mom to come live with us so that I could care for her I am a PCA (personal care attendent ) and have been for 15 years or so but to my begging pleading crying begging some more my Mom will not come out to be with hubby and I ...when we can give her a better life here
My siblings are just horrable to my Mom I cant stand it one is POA and is sick and tired of Mom ODing all the time ..I did get my Mom to list me second on MPO (medical Power Of Attorney ) so that when Mom is left in the hospital I can direct what I want done here from Kansas
My sister is just horrable she talked to the docter infront of my Mom for 30 minutes telling them what a horrable person that she is cause she cant stop oding ...That was tacky and had all the staff treating my Mom not to good and looking at her like a druggie ..Im LIVID over this my sister should of had some cooth and took the docters out of the room ..besides that she is a drunk so hpw can a drunk judge a druggie ??? I dont do drugs ..I learned from my family they are all druggies .with the exception of my brother
Hubby and I went to Az to spend some time with my Step Mom and we were having a blast with my family there ...I was hounded by my moms side of the family I was dogged out and told I choose them over wait a minute how the heck do you choose family over family ...Then my Mom ODed again I was 1 state away but I wasnt going to go running for the docters nurses and cops were all involved and I knew that there would bed drama out where my Mom was I am Bi Polar and cant handle stress and I am on meds I also have panic attacks so to go to where Mom was was out of the qustion for me so hubby high tailed it home ...on the way home the police officer called me and wanted some information on my Mom I gave him everything that I had including a prior report number well he found out that mom is scared of my sister he asked me and I siad yes when she was drunk (I belive sister has hit Mom ) and said so mother told me so I was trying to protect Mom from abuse
Boy all them marbles went all over the place brother was mad at me after he gave the police my phone numbers and he told him to call me the heck can he be mad and cut me out of my mothers life and his as well ..Its ok to be angry with me and I can take the anger but the silence is deafning they are pushing me out I am the bad one for trying to prtect my Mom
I went to Az last month and I had one call telling me that brother is poa and that he wont call me and tell me nothing about my Mom and if she dies well tough nails cause I wont be called nor will I be given what my Mom has set aside for me .witch I dont care a rats tush about meterial things mean nothing to me at all I want my Mom
Now yes I am very upset that Mom cant give up her drugs even after being begged she refuses help and will do no rehab so I know that my Mom is going to pass soon
Whats the big deal I am angry and hurt and I dont know how to go about it or what to do about it ..I have been crying depressed mean not wanting to talk to no one besides my hubby I talk to him about everything
So the qustion is what do I do ? How do I help? How dose the anger go away ? even though I truly understand for 30 years my Mom has been doing drugs and its a monkey on her back
How do I get my siblings to see that even if they are mad at me that I deserve to have a part in my mothers life .Even if they dont want to be a part of my life? How do I stop the sinking feeling everytime the phone rings ? I just dont know !!!

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Just Things Going Through My Mind


I am here cause I have some things to get off my mind ,,,(and this is my only privite blog ) ..I dont even know if anyone reads these blogs or not ...but they help me rid myself of some burdons persay (I am Bi Polar) and I cant handle alot of things at the same time and I wanna eun them by myself to process them

The frist one is that my mother did have a heart attack but it was brought on by drugs (she is a drug addict to the core 30 years I know of ) I have prayed for her over the years but she wants no other life then being in a haze and not knowing who you are to knocking on heavens door ..( do you get into heaven for ODing) this has weighed heavy on my mind for months anyways when they took my mother in ..she was bruised her eye looked gauged out and the hospital was hollering abuse !!! Ok now let me give you a back ground my mother is on coumuidn (Blood Thinner) she has 2 replaced knees and a foot that has metal coming out of it ..she is to walk with a walker but she dosnt she falls all the time you touch her and she briuses ...well good ol brother of mine got called the police did too and they went to my Moms house ..found all sorts of pills there is where my brother gave them my name and number so that they could talk to me (why Im in Kansas I have no idea whats going on there ) all the while my Mom is at the hospital alone transfered and in ICU alone for 2 flippen days enough of that though the cops call me and I tell them the TRUTH that there is a anthor report and my sister has been accused of this as well ...well hell fire the world coming down cause I told the truth and the cop followed through on it the mean time my brother is getting ready to have a child and has just told me to take a flying leap I will never hear from him or if my Mom is sick or even if she dies he is her power of attorney ..slam the phone goes

Fasr Forward to present my brother whom I raised has had his child and has yet to call me to tell me about the baby a picture ...Oh Im so hurt by this I havnt been able to sleep ...and the only way I was able to see the pics of my nephew was to go the sight and see the pics the baby looks like my brother though ..but what a way to see my nephew ..I am really more hurt then anything and just need a place to blow some steam w/o it being thrown in my face just like brothers dad left me a email while all this was going on telling me he knows it is hard to keep my emotions in check cause I am Bi Polar ..oh did he ever piss in my weaties ...using Bi Polar to throw his crap in my face with the excuss of me being Bi Polar infurates me I am on meds I do caouncling I work on myself daily to be a good person then for him to throw Bi Polar in my face wants to make me vomit Bi Polar all over him ..he has no idea how bipolar effects me nor would he take his time to (so glad he is a STEP parent ) My Father passed of cancer 3 years ago july

Then there is my hubbys bobbleheaded family I am seriously talking bobbleheaded family I dont get along with nopne of them they are all fake get what they can out of you then talk caca on you while your back is turned ...Hubbys Bobbleheaded sister in law and I got in it over a dog that I got her off of CL I walked out I had nothing to say and all I could do was keep from rippong her tounge out cause I asked to go to a new conversatin but bobblekead couldnt she had to make her nasty vile mouth run and run

next day I called I thought I called hubbys brother to let him know I wasnt upset with him (even though he is spinless ) and I wouldnt stand in his way of seeing hubby I never have anyways I called bobbleheads phone 1 number diffrent between thier phones and bobblehead tole me she was going to kick my ass (ya right ) that I am all sorts of horrid words and I killed her sister that had cancer that she didnt have time (to get off her back ) or gas money to get their BULLSHIT I took care of her sister and she lived with us cause she was treated like a queen and never stole from while she was here ..just to ease your mind Diane passed in the hospital with me Hubby her nurse and her docter (I didnt kill her by putting a pillow over her head PERIOD )I would of took her cancer if I could there isnt a a day that I dont want her here to have her heartprint in the phycal life

So friday I was coming home from work and Bobblehead runs to the edge of the street and dosnt give me one bird you all she gave me two birds OMG I know she didnt she called me a chioce word I screamed back at her ..what type of outback woods BS is this ? To flip me off and LIE to hubbys brother then hubbys brother now wants to talk to him excuse me he has no back bone wasnt there and just wants to talk to hubby I am byind LIVID Bobblehead dosnt own that street (Its a major ome) and she wants me to go anthor way.her husband wants to talk to my husband (Hahaaahaaaa) hubby dont have time we are buildning a farm ..we are the real deal we wont lie stab or bring drama into your lifes we like smiles friends love honesty compassion respect we give what we are given

I just dont get it I work on myself daily I take my meds 3 of them I am in thearpy I do on line journaling and hand printed ones as well (the stuff I wont put on here ) I try to be the best person I can be I work hard on myselfr and have a amask I have thats protected me ..but right now I just dont know how to react (other then ripping tounges out ) it is hard not to write nor talk caca you know

Eventhoguh I have Bi Polar it dosnt mean you can be mean or do mean things then say that it is my Bi Polar and that is why I am the BAD ONE THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEMS WHEN I WORK HARD TO MAKE IT THOUGH A DAY LET ONLE PICK MY HEAD UP OFF THE PILLOW you have to love me not just parts of me it is so hard to explane I am not in it for the game the drama isnt welome here ...I am all that I am and that is all that I am

ON o Possitive Note here in the next few weeks maybe month or so I will be giving some very EXCITING news (No Im Not Preggers I Cant) but it will be worth the wait I have to do some resource I Cant Wait

Its Hubbys and my 19 year annnversy I will leave you with this pic

Thursday, April 2, 2009

A Catch Up For All Of You

Good Morning Sunshines

Frist before I start to blog I want to ask for prayers for Rodney ..he is in a sezior disorder place and they are inducing seziors and Rodney is whiped out .so if you could pray with me that god guide the docters hands and proceeders and are able to give Rodney a better quilty of life .

Now it has been wirlwind crazy busy with me for the last month or so

Frist Ed and I took a trip to Az to go hang out with Momma Shirley, I hadnt seen her since before Daddy passed so for Ed taking me out there to hang out with family that ADORES me was just the best

Momma Shiley and I stayed up late talking about Daddy and she told me lots of things that my Dad just loved about me one being my brown eyes ..Momma said that Daddy loved my eyes (Ive always hated them and wanted blue eyes like my Daddy ) she also said that Dad was so proud of me and that he never wanted Momma Shirley or I to lose contact (got you there Daddy )

Ed and Cutie Pie bonded ...oh it was a dagger through my heart I cried for I feel that I failed him as a wife by not giving him a child ...Momma says I didnt and that Cutie Pie is ment for US FAMILY to raise ..I kinda like that cause Cutie Pie is all that and alil more to me Cutie Pie has wrapped both Ed and I around her finger ..but whats so great is she loves unconditionaly and has no ill opion or will towards me ..thats the best a REAL sister that dosnt judge or spread lies or start drama with the rest of the family ...I do belive god blessed me

There is some HUGE news coming but since Momma Shirley has shit for family then I am not about to go to far into it cause they will start drama with her and if one lays a hand on her I am back in AZ with the full force of police to stop the madness and to make sure all go to jail for a long time that is if they are lucky enough for me not to get ahold of them

Ed and I had a blast in AZ and we didnt have no drama until my Mom had a heart attack then my whole family went bobblehead crazy and started blaming me for things I didnt do all the while my Mom was in the ICU on life support so Ed with Momma Shirleys advice packed our things and got in the truck and got the hell out of AZ

On the way home I was sick I had to have Ed stop so I could puke (Can we say nerves) anyways ED always stoped held my hair as I let loose never complained of the 100 stops he had to make so I could throw up ..then we get to NM and Texas oh my goodness it was a blizzard for 500 plus miles Eds doing all he can to get me home cause that was where I was crying to go HOME where I am safe from the ones who hurt me berate me and start drama

Moms out of the hospital and she is getting stronger but to be honest with you I am loosing my connection with that side of the family and I dont very much care my brother and sister in law had a baby and guess what they didnt send pics tell me or nothing I had to hear it from my MOm who has been very hard on me due to the LIES that my siblings LIES yes LIES

You see they think they are hurting me and to be honest yes they are but what they dont realize is Daddy Don knew this was going to happen he made sure Momma Shirley and I would be close and boy do I see why he devoriced my Mother ..and as hard as that was to type out it is the truth ..Daddy wouldnt lead me or Momma Shirley astray ...

I had a blast with Don as well my 1/2 brother and I look alike think alike treat people alike were so much alike it was fun just hanging with him and spending time and realizing that we are the same

Ed and I have been building a chicken coop well Steve as well and that is coming along just fine is done sept for we need to paint it and do some minor things to it Im loving it 4 dozen chcikens is what we have we still need to build roost and boxes but the chicks are still to small for that so we have alil time to get that done

I am selling Tiny Prince and Peggy Suie (Shes a caca Mom I am bottle feeding both her kids ) Skulls will be staying with me FOREVER he is like a lap dog and he hugs you with his head in your neck ...he is so so sweet I have 4 people off of criags list that want the goats so we shall see where that goes

I am going to Nats tonight to see my girl PUNKY it has been a minute since we last saw her and she defently has me wrapped

Oh speaking of wraped Ed got Cutie Pie A Easter Dress shoes tights a lil purse and a hat along with some easter basket stuffers I was so very proud of him he only got her one candy and Ed and I are finding ourselfs in the cloths section for girls all the time ohhh and ohhhing

I maybe buying a new car I hope I dont jinx myself but I am wanting this car so bad its a a hatch back camerie I need it to tranzport my anmails and thier feed I dont have to have a sporty car just a car to get me from a to b and to be able to haul stuff for the ranch

Thats about it in a nut shell I wanted to get this journal up so you could check the pics out that I put up and know alil behind the story

I will NEVER EVER go to Ca EVER so if you live in Ca I am sorry that is a state that I am staying away from far far away