Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Well my husband died and I am a widow ...

Ed passed Dec 8 2014 at 11;18 am

My life has changed ...I have to move from our house in Oz and move home to Ca ...I. Thankful for my family ....

When I get to Ca and settled I'll start to update my blog everyday with thoughts feelings and pics

Until then fly high my liver ...watch over me end light my way...I'll never forget you nor will I ever be with anther man ...your my one and only ....

Until I meet you on the other side ....all my love

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Catch Up Time

Here I am again 

Life has a way of smacking you in the chops and bring you to your knees sometimes. Since I've last been here to blog we have indeed found out that my husband dose have lung cancer. The dx has changed our life forsure.

Since I have last blogged Ed has recived 35 radation treatments and 5 chemos ...my husband is responding well to treatment his tumor has shrank 80% the size it started out being ( god is good ) ..if there is anyone that would like to keep up ( or if anyone is here ) you can at Eds In It To Win It - Team Werbe on FB. 

This whole cancer thing is such a hard thing to deal with not only for my husband but for me as well. I am Eds advocate I am the one who cares for Ed medically and I am the one who keeps the doctors abreast of all that's going on with Ed, as well as I get front center seat of watching what cancer dose and takes away from my husband ( not a fun thing ) 

But cancer has also brought some amazing beautiful things into our life's as well. Our family's have bound togther to help Ed fight his battle. Eds family is tighting up ! It is amazing ! My family my sister that I havnt talked to in years is talking to me and we are working on our realtionship ( I'm thrilled ) my Dad ( my rock and hero ) has been there in so many ways from late night phone calls to helping with our bills ( Ed can't work, I go to school but on summer break) but still have to be here to take care of Ed get him to the doctors and such.

On the other hand cancer has given us a bunch of strife as well. Ed ended up in the hospital with a horrid infection in his lungs that almost killed him :( . He is also having a hard time coming back from the radation. He is tired and can't easy without pain. I hate cancer I loath cancer. I wish we could just find a cure for all ailments. 

Ed and I have been looking into medical cannabus oil..we are having a hard go of finding it here in Oz. It is illegal to have it. This proves frustrating for Ed and I the medical cannabus oil can help Ed heal and cure him ...but it's illegal here in Kansas :( ..all eds doctors are on board and approve the use of it but can not perscribe it to Ed due to laws ...I've had a couple of people approach me with The oil to buy but it is pricey very pricey. 

For a 90 day supply it is 1800 dollars ...with Ed not working and on a set income and me going to school this is not feasible for us. There are people who claim that they have the oil and can send discreetly to me but I'm scared it's a undercover cop waiting to pounce on me and take me to jail or it is a scam and I could lose the money 

Things are hard we are barly making it. We are living on disconnect notices. We've had to have a person move in with us just to help us get caught up ( we are behind in all our bills ). Ed and I hate living with people it's just hard very hard. We are doing everything we can do to make it through. We both know that were not the only ones in this boat. It dosnt make it easier ! 

I will be returning back to school for the fall semester. I had to drop 3 classes this spring due to finding out Ed having cancer and him being so very ill. I'm scared to go to school but I have to trust in god and know that Eds going to be healed. I have to believe this with my whole heart and soul ( most times I can but sometimes I can't ). With me going to school it will bring in some much needed money to help catch us up. 

I'm also needing to get a drive going for Ed. Yes I must be able to help bring some money into get the medical cannabus oil to cure my husband of this cancer. It is non operapatal, the tumor can not be removed so we have to kill it and cure Ed. There is no inbetween at all. Where shooting for a cure, we want NED ( no evidance of disease) ...it's so hard though asking for help, knowing that I can't do this on my own :( ...I need help, Ed needs help millions of others need help ! We're not the only ones but it sure seems that way.

I am done writing for now but I will keep this lil corner going from here on out. I need the outlet, I need the breath. Even if no one reads this, at least I have a place to blow ya know? So I will be back ...that's a promiss! 

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Ed just can't have cancer

Well it's been a long time since I've wrote on this lil blog of mine . This is the place I come and hide at let my emotions go for very few have access to this lil blog of mine.. I would of never thought that I would be coming here to say I'm scared, no I'm terrified and it's not for me it's for my husband Ed. It all started about three weeks ago Ed came down really sick and just wouldn't get better. I fought with him for weeks to go to the doctor , of course he fought me until the begining of this week. I finally got Ed into the doctors to find out his lungs sounded junky ( as the doctor said ) so he called for X-rays ...that night the doctor called himself and said Ed needed a cat scan right now so Ed went for the Cat scan ...they won't give us any results ..this is strange for Eds doctor always gives us results over the phone. The last we heard Ed had neoplasm spots on his lungs.

Everyone is telling me to be strong , everyone is telling me I'm jumping to conclusions but let me tell you I've been in the medical world most my life . I've been a personal care aide for 20 some years , I've worked with all sorts of doctors and I know how they drop the c word. I have taken care of people with cancer , I have been there for my soul sisters last breath on this earth. I have watched the ha ok that cancer had had on the person who has it and their loved ones. I have watched cancer rip family and friends apart .

My mind is going a million miles a minute , my heart is sitting in the pit of my stomic ...I have a horrible feeling deep inside. I am in disbelief . Ed have cancer ....oh how I hope pray and beg God to not let it be so . Ed is the most loving giving kind non judgemental person I know. How could this be so ?

If Ed dose have cancer he wants to fight it. He dosnt wan to leave me ? What oh what have I done to be lived so much by my wonderful husband ? I love this man with my whole heart and soul , he is my everything. Why couldn't this be me ?

Oh god in heaven hear our crys and prayers ! Put a hedge of protection around Ed and give his doctors the knowledge to help Ed heal in your precious name amen !

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

My Heart Print Hottie Has Taken Flight

I am just jumping on my page to post that my Bestest Friend Heart Print Brother that is connected by our heart strings passed away last night

Hottie I want you to know I am raw in emtions right now I dont know how to deal with your death and the cancer :( I am lost and I dont know how to help your family. I am so worried about your Mom Momma Nine I am worried about my Turtle. This came so unexpected. I am sorry I didnt get to fullfill the promiss of seeing you before you passed. That will forever be of my greatest regreats. I hope you know how much you mean to me, I hope you know what a diffrence you made in my life and how you enriched it

When I am on a even keel I will write more ...until then know I love you mostest and truly miss you more !!!!

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Thoughts For My Choosen Father !

Well alot has happened in the last month or so. I have started my freasmen year of college and as I told you earlier my Mother has admmited that she is addicted to drugs. That in itself is huge not only to me but to the rest of my family as well. It has been over 30 years that Ive got to talk with my mother. Oh sure I have talked to her through the times but I was talking to the high as a kite not knowing if she was coming or going Mom. Dont get me wrong I always well not always talked to my mother but it wasnt her she was in a drug indused haze. She was anthor person.

I have been very honest with my Mom. I give her everything that is bottled up inside of me ( alot of witch is understanding and love) but I also give her the truth of whats inside of me. My mother has always treated me badly (not so much now for she has realized what a horrable person she revield to me ) so now I am totally honest with her. I am not rude ( I have learned that you get what you give) sometimes tears come sometimes anger comes and somtimes I just cant deal with it and I have to let my mom go. Her addiction has cost our family alot. We have been seprated and anomisty has been pushed between members all my growing up life.

I have two dads ...My mom devoriced my real father who wasnt found until I was in my early twentys. Then I have my adopted dad that by the grace of god my mother married ( due to me picking Dad out). This dad has been through the ringer believe that but the most important part is that Dad satyed with-in the family and held us kids toghter as his life and marrage to my mother was cumbuling apart. It is this Dad that has supported all us kids. When were in trouble need some advice or help on homework he is there and has been there. I dont think with out my Dads strenth and love of his children us kids would of gotten as far as we have in our lifes. Dad could of packed his bags and ran far far away from the drugs and unruly children but he didnt he planted his feet firmer in the ground and stuck by our sides if we wanted him there or not. He took alot of abuse and anger that was directed at my mother.

In my early twentys I found my real father (this is somthing that I wanted and needed so bad in my life ) My adopted father helped me find my real father (yes you read that right ) he always told me that he knew that my Dad loved me no matter what. He kept my hopes up of finding my Dad. It happened and it was a smack to my Dads face. For when I found my real dad I went alil haywire. I turned into his girl and not the man who raised me and help me find my father. I didnt have time for the man that gave up his life to save his childrens life. Sicking I know , I am so sorry I ever did that to the man who wouldnt turn on heel and run as far away as he could from the miserabale hell that my mother created.

At one point I was such a bitch to my Dad. He never deserved it but I was angry that he was there and raised me and my real Dad wasnt and to be honest I was blinded by the money and mis truths of my real Dad ( I dont hold it against Daddy Don at all he wanted to give me all that he could but he didnt know me know me and he hurt me in the process. Oh I love both my fathers deeply. Daddy Don (my real father ) and Daddy N ( My choosen Daddy). Daddy N raised me and taught me morals and vaules and guided me through my life as best he could ( I was a child with alot of problems emotionaly growing up.) I did things that I am not proud of that embaressed my Dad in alot of areas for he was a teacher then a princable of a school. He never gave up on me though he always told me he loved me cause I never heard it from my mother. He would talk about Daddy Don with me and hold me to ease my fears. Then when I found my real father my choosen was a distance memory for me. I think I got the idea that I couldnt love both dads at the same time. My choosen dad again choose to let me explore my new realtionship with my real dad and still stayed in the radar if I needed or wanted him or not. He waited paitently for me to come back to him ( and I did ) for through finding my real Dad I learned that my choosen dad was even that more special then I ever thought

My real dad was thankful for what my choosen father had accomplished with his children. He never downed my choosen dad. It was amazing ! I learned through my real father that my choosen was the best that god had ever given me and my siblings. My real father passed due to cancer ( I HATE CANCER WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING!) Sadly I say it is when I reliazed that I had a Father my whole life. He took so much abuse by all of us and this man remained ( was he crazy ) Hell no he is in all sence of the word a father a dad a confadent someone that we could all count on. Hell who am I trying to fool he was our rock and remains our rock to this day. When any of his children need him we run to him. He is standing there tall and strong willing to help us in any area of our life and with our concerns. To this day I call my dad up and get homework help. Yes he lives in California and I live in Oz ( Kansas ) and I get his help. I am 42 years old and when the world gets ulgy and I dont understand and need help I run to my Dad and ask for his advice ( and yes sometimes money Ill be real ).

How I got on a tangent about my choosen dad I dont know. Maybe it is because with out him us children wouldnt of had a fighting chance in hell. Maybe it is because I realize that my choosen is the one who held us all toghter even when his life was falling apart. Maybe it is because that even with the horrid things my mother did to us he never degraded or talked shit about my mother he was worried about her. Maybe it is cause he showed me true love and devotion when I turned my back on him. Maybe it is cause he was the ship that lead us children to saftey from my mothers drug abuse. Maybe it is cause he has never waviered in my life I was the one who did. Maybe it is cause he taught me just enough to go out on my own and be married for 20 years. Maybe it is his strong devotion to his family. I dont know but what I do know is to this day my choosen is here for his children blood or not makes him no mind. I do know if it wasnt for him none of us encluduing my mother would be where we are today. No he hasnt been with my mother in 20 some years but that man loves her through his children. That speaks multiudes to my heart. He has helped my mother through the years even after my mother was a sorce of great pain. He holds on because she is a part of us. My mother hurt my choosen badly and almost ruined him but in return we all got the gift of a father who dosnt run who stays and fights with everything he has for all of his children and yes our mother too.

If I were to ever have a child and not all these anmails I would ask that god bless me with all the amazing quilties that my choosen father has. We do have a mini choosen in our family and that is my brother Bubs. I think what I am trying to convey here is that even though my mother was hell on wheels and drug addicted he held the family toghter and my friends that is alot. To this day my choosen deals with drama. One of his children is not in his life and ripped away his grand children. Is my choosen hateful? Hell no he is tollernt and understanding and loving. He writes this child still sends the grand children gifts and cards through the mail all while waiting for his lost lamb to realize that he never left even after being pushed away. My hope is that this sibling gets stright and stops hurting my dad and gives those grand babies thier grand father back. This sibling can be angry at my dad cause he didnt choose any one of us kids or block any of us out with a ultamatin that was thrown at him. To punish and rip the grand children away from him is unaccapable on any level. To bad this family has using thier children to tip the scale to thier side down pact. To bad my choosen is the one that has delt with it my whole life. But yet he stayes strong he showes all of us that his love is boundless.

I was going to write about my mother and her drug addiction and I did I just brought in the most important part of it and that is the man behind the disfunctional family that some how held it all toghter and brought his children up with morals and vaules regaurdless of what life threw his way. He is remarkable and everything to not only me but most my siblings as well.

So to my choosen Dad I love you I adore you and if it wasnt for you my life would of been a waste. You saved me you saved my siblings and you tread on when no one else will. I thank you from the bottom of my heart truly and I am who I am because of your love and devotion .... Thank You for never giving up on me ....Thank You for never walking away ...but most of all Thank You for loving me .....

Your Daughter !!!

Thursday, August 2, 2012


I am here today to doucment that my mother has addmited that she is addicted to legal drugs ( pills) she just got out of the hospital. This is the frist time my mother has ever admited that she is addicted to pills let alone accept the responabilty of her drug abuse. My mother has said sorry for the way that she has treated me my whole life. I have waited my whole growing up life for my mother to admit what she is doing and take responabilty for what she has done.
I am proud of my mother on so meany levels and I believe that she will beat this addiction. My mother is a strong person, stronger then she realizes. I support her and forgave her long ago. I couldnt  live with hate in my heart it was eating me up.
I just wanted to doucment this HUGE Uplifting news with my blog. When I get a moment and process this I will be back
I love you my lil space on the net !!!

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

When Is It Enough ???

I am coming here today to lay my heart out in my lil space of the internet. I dont care if anyone reads what I write or if it is even seen.

This weekend I got word that my mother is in the hospital again. My Mom has had the addiction monkey on her back from as far back as I can rember. I had to come to the conclusion that it is my moms fault she set herself up for a addiction but it is not her fault that she is addicted. Ya it is a double edged knife. This is one part that I happen to despise of my mothers personalty.

My Mothers drug use has crushed our family broke it up and devided it in so meany ways it is not funny. I have always took the brunt end and ca-ca end of the stick with my family. I am the black sheep the problem child the one no one wants to deal with and have been since the day I was born I suppose. It use to eat at me and I would act out and do things for some one to pay attition to me. I was horrable when I was a teenager and did some things I am not proud of. I usto not talk to my Mom until I found my real dad (my mother chased him away ). I think on the frist day I met my Dad I told him that I hated my Mom and she was a bitch. My father the one who was chased away and had to wait 20 some odd years until he was found stopped his car and looked at me horrified and told me that if he ever heard of me disrespecting my mother like that again he would knock my teeth out. He said that he dosnt care of the abuse I suffered at her hands she was the only mother I would ever have and he was and is right. My father passed on five years on the 31 of this month and I trusure his lessons taught.

So my Moms in the hospital and she is blocking any of the family getting any information on what caused her to be put in the hospital in the frist place. I called to talk to her yesterday and she was the meaniest she has been to me in a while. She told me out of her own mouth she dosnt want to talk to us kids and she had told all the staff that they are not to be talking to us at all. I am angry for I know she fucken overdosed again (this is like the 22 time in two and half years). I am sick of it I am done stick a fork in me ! My brother has threatened not to let my mother have anything to do with her and other family members have made threats and my mother constantly over doses and pops them pills. What is our family to do ? How do we go on knowing that our mother is going to kill herself with the popping of the pills. If a docter dont give her what she wants she docter hops and goes to diffrent drug stores to obtain the pills.

I wish there was a system put in place that could montior her drug and docter activitys that she dose that way she couldnt get the pills on medicare. For my mother is addicted to LEGALE DRUGS, and the state and peoples taxes pay for it. How I wish I could talk to my mothers docters and let them have it. She was trasported to the hospital and she was cohearent but out of it. The docters are wasting precious time and money on looking for what is wrong with my mother for she is classic she denighs that she is a drug abuser. They have pain meds for my mom but she over medicates herself and the meds the hospital gives her is nothing near what her body craves.

Her addiction has bogged the family down and put us all at odds so meany times. I think my mom likes the drama of the family bickering and fighting. I moved from the family area long ago I was going crazy and couldnt even keep myself sane after the way I was treated. I guess thats why I am so upset my Mom sits in that hospital with drawling and in pain and anyone of her kids are trying to help and she is viciously pushing us away and just being a mean person.

I can not keep going through the up and down of her drug addictions. I can not give her the power to upset me. Long ago I gave my husband my word that I would not let anyone in my family upset me. I inteend to keep my promiss. My family is scared that I am going to call my mother and fight with her suchm.... they clearly dont know me. How could they I havnt let them get to know me. I have grown out here in Oz and I have matured more then they ever could imange.

Thats what makes this whole shitty thing stink is they (my family ) thinks they know me and they dont have any idea of who I have grown and become. Oh they may know the old ruthless one who cared about no one cause no one cared about me. They dont know the driven loving caring person i am today (only what i show them or tell them) so for them to call and reenerate that my Mom dosnt want to talk to me sets my blood a boil they live in her hell I dont. She wants to be nasty and hateful well do it to the rest for I have far better things to do then be drug down by her.

Who gives my mother the right to ruin my childhood and destroy realtionships by making her family live through her with her addiction? Am I angry? HELL YES I AM LIVID!!! No matter where I go or what I do I cant get away from her demand or addiction. How fair is that ? Not very I tell you. I dont talk about my family to much for they are a sorce of deep pain for me in so meany areas of my life.

So my qustion is when is enough enough ? When will I excape my mothers addictions ?

Dont think I hate my mother for I dont I love her deeply she just isnt able to love me back the way that she should. Ive known this my whole life. My mom told me over and over how she hated me through my growing up years. I truly dont ever expect her to change for me or anyone else for that matter, I accept her for who and what she is and represents. She is my only mother I have learned that I can love her no matter if she loves me or not. Im not giving up either for one day I pray God heals her of her addiction either here on earth or in heaven. I love her with everything I have in me and I pray to God to put a hedge of prtection around her to keep her safe. I cant do anymore or any less.