Tuesday, July 17, 2012

When Is It Enough ???

I am coming here today to lay my heart out in my lil space of the internet. I dont care if anyone reads what I write or if it is even seen.

This weekend I got word that my mother is in the hospital again. My Mom has had the addiction monkey on her back from as far back as I can rember. I had to come to the conclusion that it is my moms fault she set herself up for a addiction but it is not her fault that she is addicted. Ya it is a double edged knife. This is one part that I happen to despise of my mothers personalty.

My Mothers drug use has crushed our family broke it up and devided it in so meany ways it is not funny. I have always took the brunt end and ca-ca end of the stick with my family. I am the black sheep the problem child the one no one wants to deal with and have been since the day I was born I suppose. It use to eat at me and I would act out and do things for some one to pay attition to me. I was horrable when I was a teenager and did some things I am not proud of. I usto not talk to my Mom until I found my real dad (my mother chased him away ). I think on the frist day I met my Dad I told him that I hated my Mom and she was a bitch. My father the one who was chased away and had to wait 20 some odd years until he was found stopped his car and looked at me horrified and told me that if he ever heard of me disrespecting my mother like that again he would knock my teeth out. He said that he dosnt care of the abuse I suffered at her hands she was the only mother I would ever have and he was and is right. My father passed on five years on the 31 of this month and I trusure his lessons taught.

So my Moms in the hospital and she is blocking any of the family getting any information on what caused her to be put in the hospital in the frist place. I called to talk to her yesterday and she was the meaniest she has been to me in a while. She told me out of her own mouth she dosnt want to talk to us kids and she had told all the staff that they are not to be talking to us at all. I am angry for I know she fucken overdosed again (this is like the 22 time in two and half years). I am sick of it I am done stick a fork in me ! My brother has threatened not to let my mother have anything to do with her and other family members have made threats and my mother constantly over doses and pops them pills. What is our family to do ? How do we go on knowing that our mother is going to kill herself with the popping of the pills. If a docter dont give her what she wants she docter hops and goes to diffrent drug stores to obtain the pills.

I wish there was a system put in place that could montior her drug and docter activitys that she dose that way she couldnt get the pills on medicare. For my mother is addicted to LEGALE DRUGS, and the state and peoples taxes pay for it. How I wish I could talk to my mothers docters and let them have it. She was trasported to the hospital and she was cohearent but out of it. The docters are wasting precious time and money on looking for what is wrong with my mother for she is classic she denighs that she is a drug abuser. They have pain meds for my mom but she over medicates herself and the meds the hospital gives her is nothing near what her body craves.

Her addiction has bogged the family down and put us all at odds so meany times. I think my mom likes the drama of the family bickering and fighting. I moved from the family area long ago I was going crazy and couldnt even keep myself sane after the way I was treated. I guess thats why I am so upset my Mom sits in that hospital with drawling and in pain and anyone of her kids are trying to help and she is viciously pushing us away and just being a mean person.

I can not keep going through the up and down of her drug addictions. I can not give her the power to upset me. Long ago I gave my husband my word that I would not let anyone in my family upset me. I inteend to keep my promiss. My family is scared that I am going to call my mother and fight with her suchm.... they clearly dont know me. How could they I havnt let them get to know me. I have grown out here in Oz and I have matured more then they ever could imange.

Thats what makes this whole shitty thing stink is they (my family ) thinks they know me and they dont have any idea of who I have grown and become. Oh they may know the old ruthless one who cared about no one cause no one cared about me. They dont know the driven loving caring person i am today (only what i show them or tell them) so for them to call and reenerate that my Mom dosnt want to talk to me sets my blood a boil they live in her hell I dont. She wants to be nasty and hateful well do it to the rest for I have far better things to do then be drug down by her.

Who gives my mother the right to ruin my childhood and destroy realtionships by making her family live through her with her addiction? Am I angry? HELL YES I AM LIVID!!! No matter where I go or what I do I cant get away from her demand or addiction. How fair is that ? Not very I tell you. I dont talk about my family to much for they are a sorce of deep pain for me in so meany areas of my life.

So my qustion is when is enough enough ? When will I excape my mothers addictions ?

Dont think I hate my mother for I dont I love her deeply she just isnt able to love me back the way that she should. Ive known this my whole life. My mom told me over and over how she hated me through my growing up years. I truly dont ever expect her to change for me or anyone else for that matter, I accept her for who and what she is and represents. She is my only mother I have learned that I can love her no matter if she loves me or not. Im not giving up either for one day I pray God heals her of her addiction either here on earth or in heaven. I love her with everything I have in me and I pray to God to put a hedge of prtection around her to keep her safe. I cant do anymore or any less.

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