Sunday, September 2, 2012

Thoughts For My Choosen Father !

Well alot has happened in the last month or so. I have started my freasmen year of college and as I told you earlier my Mother has admmited that she is addicted to drugs. That in itself is huge not only to me but to the rest of my family as well. It has been over 30 years that Ive got to talk with my mother. Oh sure I have talked to her through the times but I was talking to the high as a kite not knowing if she was coming or going Mom. Dont get me wrong I always well not always talked to my mother but it wasnt her she was in a drug indused haze. She was anthor person.

I have been very honest with my Mom. I give her everything that is bottled up inside of me ( alot of witch is understanding and love) but I also give her the truth of whats inside of me. My mother has always treated me badly (not so much now for she has realized what a horrable person she revield to me ) so now I am totally honest with her. I am not rude ( I have learned that you get what you give) sometimes tears come sometimes anger comes and somtimes I just cant deal with it and I have to let my mom go. Her addiction has cost our family alot. We have been seprated and anomisty has been pushed between members all my growing up life.

I have two dads ...My mom devoriced my real father who wasnt found until I was in my early twentys. Then I have my adopted dad that by the grace of god my mother married ( due to me picking Dad out). This dad has been through the ringer believe that but the most important part is that Dad satyed with-in the family and held us kids toghter as his life and marrage to my mother was cumbuling apart. It is this Dad that has supported all us kids. When were in trouble need some advice or help on homework he is there and has been there. I dont think with out my Dads strenth and love of his children us kids would of gotten as far as we have in our lifes. Dad could of packed his bags and ran far far away from the drugs and unruly children but he didnt he planted his feet firmer in the ground and stuck by our sides if we wanted him there or not. He took alot of abuse and anger that was directed at my mother.

In my early twentys I found my real father (this is somthing that I wanted and needed so bad in my life ) My adopted father helped me find my real father (yes you read that right ) he always told me that he knew that my Dad loved me no matter what. He kept my hopes up of finding my Dad. It happened and it was a smack to my Dads face. For when I found my real dad I went alil haywire. I turned into his girl and not the man who raised me and help me find my father. I didnt have time for the man that gave up his life to save his childrens life. Sicking I know , I am so sorry I ever did that to the man who wouldnt turn on heel and run as far away as he could from the miserabale hell that my mother created.

At one point I was such a bitch to my Dad. He never deserved it but I was angry that he was there and raised me and my real Dad wasnt and to be honest I was blinded by the money and mis truths of my real Dad ( I dont hold it against Daddy Don at all he wanted to give me all that he could but he didnt know me know me and he hurt me in the process. Oh I love both my fathers deeply. Daddy Don (my real father ) and Daddy N ( My choosen Daddy). Daddy N raised me and taught me morals and vaules and guided me through my life as best he could ( I was a child with alot of problems emotionaly growing up.) I did things that I am not proud of that embaressed my Dad in alot of areas for he was a teacher then a princable of a school. He never gave up on me though he always told me he loved me cause I never heard it from my mother. He would talk about Daddy Don with me and hold me to ease my fears. Then when I found my real father my choosen was a distance memory for me. I think I got the idea that I couldnt love both dads at the same time. My choosen dad again choose to let me explore my new realtionship with my real dad and still stayed in the radar if I needed or wanted him or not. He waited paitently for me to come back to him ( and I did ) for through finding my real Dad I learned that my choosen dad was even that more special then I ever thought

My real dad was thankful for what my choosen father had accomplished with his children. He never downed my choosen dad. It was amazing ! I learned through my real father that my choosen was the best that god had ever given me and my siblings. My real father passed due to cancer ( I HATE CANCER WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING!) Sadly I say it is when I reliazed that I had a Father my whole life. He took so much abuse by all of us and this man remained ( was he crazy ) Hell no he is in all sence of the word a father a dad a confadent someone that we could all count on. Hell who am I trying to fool he was our rock and remains our rock to this day. When any of his children need him we run to him. He is standing there tall and strong willing to help us in any area of our life and with our concerns. To this day I call my dad up and get homework help. Yes he lives in California and I live in Oz ( Kansas ) and I get his help. I am 42 years old and when the world gets ulgy and I dont understand and need help I run to my Dad and ask for his advice ( and yes sometimes money Ill be real ).

How I got on a tangent about my choosen dad I dont know. Maybe it is because with out him us children wouldnt of had a fighting chance in hell. Maybe it is because I realize that my choosen is the one who held us all toghter even when his life was falling apart. Maybe it is because that even with the horrid things my mother did to us he never degraded or talked shit about my mother he was worried about her. Maybe it is cause he showed me true love and devotion when I turned my back on him. Maybe it is cause he was the ship that lead us children to saftey from my mothers drug abuse. Maybe it is cause he has never waviered in my life I was the one who did. Maybe it is cause he taught me just enough to go out on my own and be married for 20 years. Maybe it is his strong devotion to his family. I dont know but what I do know is to this day my choosen is here for his children blood or not makes him no mind. I do know if it wasnt for him none of us encluduing my mother would be where we are today. No he hasnt been with my mother in 20 some years but that man loves her through his children. That speaks multiudes to my heart. He has helped my mother through the years even after my mother was a sorce of great pain. He holds on because she is a part of us. My mother hurt my choosen badly and almost ruined him but in return we all got the gift of a father who dosnt run who stays and fights with everything he has for all of his children and yes our mother too.

If I were to ever have a child and not all these anmails I would ask that god bless me with all the amazing quilties that my choosen father has. We do have a mini choosen in our family and that is my brother Bubs. I think what I am trying to convey here is that even though my mother was hell on wheels and drug addicted he held the family toghter and my friends that is alot. To this day my choosen deals with drama. One of his children is not in his life and ripped away his grand children. Is my choosen hateful? Hell no he is tollernt and understanding and loving. He writes this child still sends the grand children gifts and cards through the mail all while waiting for his lost lamb to realize that he never left even after being pushed away. My hope is that this sibling gets stright and stops hurting my dad and gives those grand babies thier grand father back. This sibling can be angry at my dad cause he didnt choose any one of us kids or block any of us out with a ultamatin that was thrown at him. To punish and rip the grand children away from him is unaccapable on any level. To bad this family has using thier children to tip the scale to thier side down pact. To bad my choosen is the one that has delt with it my whole life. But yet he stayes strong he showes all of us that his love is boundless.

I was going to write about my mother and her drug addiction and I did I just brought in the most important part of it and that is the man behind the disfunctional family that some how held it all toghter and brought his children up with morals and vaules regaurdless of what life threw his way. He is remarkable and everything to not only me but most my siblings as well.

So to my choosen Dad I love you I adore you and if it wasnt for you my life would of been a waste. You saved me you saved my siblings and you tread on when no one else will. I thank you from the bottom of my heart truly and I am who I am because of your love and devotion .... Thank You for never giving up on me ....Thank You for never walking away ...but most of all Thank You for loving me .....

Your Daughter !!!

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