Friday, April 17, 2009

A Delima With In My Mind

I am really worried about my Mom in the last month she has been in the hospital for drug overdoses ..I dont write this out in the public for my Moms dignity but the longer this crapp goes on the harder it is to understand
I rember growing up and Mom either always being drunk or high on pills or drugs off the street she was never there for any of my school fuctions and always beat me ..(I forgave her for these things long ago ) I had to the hate was eating me up I couldnt funtion at all ..
Then the last year my Mom has been in the hospital 13 or 14 times all in ICU and 6 or 7 times on the vent and life support ..One time I went rushing home and knew this was it with Mom but she pulled through it even though her heart is workin at 49% and she is in stage 1 liver fauiler
My husband and I have tried to get my Mom to come live with us so that I could care for her I am a PCA (personal care attendent ) and have been for 15 years or so but to my begging pleading crying begging some more my Mom will not come out to be with hubby and I ...when we can give her a better life here
My siblings are just horrable to my Mom I cant stand it one is POA and is sick and tired of Mom ODing all the time ..I did get my Mom to list me second on MPO (medical Power Of Attorney ) so that when Mom is left in the hospital I can direct what I want done here from Kansas
My sister is just horrable she talked to the docter infront of my Mom for 30 minutes telling them what a horrable person that she is cause she cant stop oding ...That was tacky and had all the staff treating my Mom not to good and looking at her like a druggie ..Im LIVID over this my sister should of had some cooth and took the docters out of the room ..besides that she is a drunk so hpw can a drunk judge a druggie ??? I dont do drugs ..I learned from my family they are all druggies .with the exception of my brother
Hubby and I went to Az to spend some time with my Step Mom and we were having a blast with my family there ...I was hounded by my moms side of the family I was dogged out and told I choose them over wait a minute how the heck do you choose family over family ...Then my Mom ODed again I was 1 state away but I wasnt going to go running for the docters nurses and cops were all involved and I knew that there would bed drama out where my Mom was I am Bi Polar and cant handle stress and I am on meds I also have panic attacks so to go to where Mom was was out of the qustion for me so hubby high tailed it home ...on the way home the police officer called me and wanted some information on my Mom I gave him everything that I had including a prior report number well he found out that mom is scared of my sister he asked me and I siad yes when she was drunk (I belive sister has hit Mom ) and said so mother told me so I was trying to protect Mom from abuse
Boy all them marbles went all over the place brother was mad at me after he gave the police my phone numbers and he told him to call me the heck can he be mad and cut me out of my mothers life and his as well ..Its ok to be angry with me and I can take the anger but the silence is deafning they are pushing me out I am the bad one for trying to prtect my Mom
I went to Az last month and I had one call telling me that brother is poa and that he wont call me and tell me nothing about my Mom and if she dies well tough nails cause I wont be called nor will I be given what my Mom has set aside for me .witch I dont care a rats tush about meterial things mean nothing to me at all I want my Mom
Now yes I am very upset that Mom cant give up her drugs even after being begged she refuses help and will do no rehab so I know that my Mom is going to pass soon
Whats the big deal I am angry and hurt and I dont know how to go about it or what to do about it ..I have been crying depressed mean not wanting to talk to no one besides my hubby I talk to him about everything
So the qustion is what do I do ? How do I help? How dose the anger go away ? even though I truly understand for 30 years my Mom has been doing drugs and its a monkey on her back
How do I get my siblings to see that even if they are mad at me that I deserve to have a part in my mothers life .Even if they dont want to be a part of my life? How do I stop the sinking feeling everytime the phone rings ? I just dont know !!!

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